This week we’re hopping back into our anxiety series with the vicious cycle of perfectionism in modern motherhood. 

Perfectionism is something that we have chatted about time and time again, but this week we’re diving into the intricate relationship between our perfectionism and our anxiety. So first-things-first, let’s recap what perfectionism really is:

Rather than simply being something a person strives for by choice, perfectionism is really a trauma response. It’s a deeper conditioning that tells us what we need to be in order to be accepted, loved, successful, and so on. At its core, perfectionism is rooted in the desire to feel safe and avoid rejection. 

Now the relationship between perfectionism and anxiety can seem complex – similarly to the chicken and the egg. Which came first? What causes what? The reality is that the connection between perfectionism and anxiety can go both ways. 

For example: your system may have adopted perfectionism in an attempt to gain validation or worthiness, and because of that perfectionism you can become anxious about things appearing a certain way. On the contrary: your system may have adopted anxiety in an attempt to feel a sense of control in your life, and part of that control is having things organized or “perfect”. You see how it can go both ways?

Either way my friends – the cycle of perfectionism leaves us on a freaking hamster wheel.

We strive to have everything look and feel perfect despite it being impossible, and then we shame ourselves when our goals and standards aren’t met. Perfectionism is out here exacerbating our feelings of inadequacy. Time to hop off the wheel, mamas! 

Moving away from the vicious cycle of perfectionism can feel uncomfortable in itself, but we are worth it. We are worth the healing, the coming back from burnout, and the self-acceptance, and this is how we make our way there: 

1. Before anything else, we have to have awareness. We need to acknowledge that we are even on the damn hamster wheel of perfectionism if we want to get off of it. We have to identify where our perfectionism reveals itself in our lives and how it relates to our anxiety. 

2. We then have to practice self-compassion. After we acknowledge that we are in the trap of perfectionism, we have to recognize that we ended up here for a reason. Realize that perfectionism often stems from a survival mechanism or a trauma response, and treat yourself with kindness.

3. Our next step is then reworking the deep-rooted beliefs that got us here. Engage in activities like hypnosis, journaling, or EMDR to change the underlying beliefs of unworthiness and not being enough. Identify where this cycle was originally rooted for you. 

4. Now it’s time for the habit-work. Replace perfectionism-driven behaviors with habits that promote joy, self-care, and enoughness. Tune into yourself and practice the daily habits that align with what makes you feel good and what you truly care about. 

5. Last but not least – we have to redefine what success looks like for us. We have to lower the bar for what success means, focusing more on what truly matters and less on the outside noise. 

When you recognize that you have fallen into this trap of perfectionism and anxiety out of survival or out of trauma response, it’s easier to recognize that you deserve a lot of self-compassion. We can collectively lower the bar not because we don't deserve greatness, but because we don’t need to do it all to be worthy.

We already have the enoughness in ourselves and we deserve the ability to show up authentically, unperfected.

JOIN US!

The unPERFECTED Mama Meet Up is Coming!!
Join us on Thursday, December 7th from 4:00-6:00pm at The Den Denver for some connection, commiseration and FUN! We'll have snacks, drinks, and a workshop that will leave you with tools to unPERFECT your life so you can actually start living it.

Click Here to Get Your Tickets!

Take care of yourselves and therefore each other!

xo, brooke jean