I am thrilled and honored to have a friend and colleague on the show today!

We’re going to have a real and vulnerable conversation because the work that we’ll be covering is really big and important, and it often carries a great deal of shame.

introducing Sybil Cummin, MA, LPC, ACS!

Sybil is a licensed professional counselor and approved clinical supervisor specializing in working with survivors of domestic violence and narcissistic abuse, including the youngest witnesses. She specializes even further by focusing her work with survivors who are experiencing abuse post-separation. 

For those who aren’t familiar with these terms, Sybil explains that narcissism looks like having a grandiose sense of self and entitlement, need for constant admiration, and exploitation of others in order to move oneself further. Narcissistic personalities can present themselves in either overt or covert ways, but will always portray the picture of a perfect family, perfect relationship, or perfect life while showing abusive behaviors behind closed doors.

I wanted to know – what’s the typical timeline when we are in relationships with narcissistic personalities? What are the red flags that we need to look out for?

Sybil notes that there are clear signs to start paying attention to: 

• Love-bombing. Narcissists will often move things quickly and will create the illusion that you are perfect for each other. You might notice small things in the beginning (how they treat others, etc.), but they will make you believe that they are the ideal partner.
  

• Commitment. Narcissists will hook you via their love-bombing, and once you commit to them in some way (moving in together, engagement, etc.), you will notice a shift. Once a commitment is made they tend to show their true colors, and cycles of abuse begin.
  

• How much you really know about them. Do they have a lot of close friendships? Narcissists often avoid opening up about themselves, and they tend to have surface-level friendships because friendships are give and take (and they are only willing to take).
  

• If you are feeling like things are moving too quickly, and attempting to slow it down turns into anxiety in the relationship.
  

• How they speak to other people. We’re talking about staff, waitresses, receptionists, etc. Start noticing how they speak to other people, because that will expose a lot.
  

• Stories not making sense. Are their stories consistent, or details keep changing?
  

• Confusion in the relationship. If your intuition is telling you that something is off, it is.
  

• Questioning yourself consistently. Narcissistic personalities lean into gaslighting often, are experts at making you feel like you’re in the wrong, and can make you lose sight of who you really are.
  

What about if you are finding yourself knee-deep in a relationship with a narcissist? What if this is what you are dealing with right now??

Sybil shares safe steps you can take to get yourself out of an abusive situation: 

• Reconnect with your safe people. The abuser has likely worked to isolate you, and it’s time to recollect your support network. 
  

• If you are physically safe – make a plan.
  

• Seek outside help – shelters, therapists, educational resources (if you know what to expect when you leave you will be better prepared).
  

• If you are not physically safe – grab your kids and contact your local domestic violence agency. These agencies are here for a reason and can provide you with all of the resources you need. 
  

And finally, in the case of post-separation abuse – you have left the narcissistic relationship but share a child. How can you best be prepared?

• Shift the expectation from co-parenting with an abusive ex-partner to parallel parenting. Know that there will not be any collaboration, and that your ex will cause havoc.
  

• Make your plans, document incidents, take screenshots of financial aspects, take pictures of holes in the wall / damaged items. While these things can feel tedious and unnatural, they are extremely helpful for you to have for a later date.
  

• Know that there will be a smear campaign against you. They might make people believe that you are financially irresponsible, mentally unstable, the works.
  

• Expect that they will be counter-parent. You’ve been vegan, so now they want to introduce meat to your kid. You think piano is important, they will stop taking them to their lessons.
  

• Know that any fear you are experiencing is normal. Sending your kid to an abusive ex will bring natural feelings of uneasiness, but know that you have more influence and power than you realize. Give your kids the gift of perspective. Give unconditional love, set boundaries and routine, encourage the expression of their feelings, be the safe space that they fall back on. They will be able to pick up on the difference, because their other parent will make them feel like love always has strings attached. 
  

for the mamas who are going through it right now: know that you are not alone.

Empower yourself with information, and know that you don’t have to defend yourself over and over. Find your safe people through your journey and seek the additional resources when you need.

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Connect with Sybil Cummin

Website: Rising Beyond PC

Website: Beyond Power and Control

Podcast: Rising Beyond PC

LinkedIn: Sybil Cummin

Instagram: @risingbeyondpc

Take care of yourselves and therefore each other!

xo, brooke jean